What was that room for?

You are in your bedroom, it's sunday, a day made unimportant by summer break.

You've felt tired recently.

You look at the garbage bag next to your bed, its filled with your toys. You feel some sort of guilt as you retrieve a doll from the bag. You forget why the toys were put there in the first place but you know it felt reasonable at the time. you wonder if someone will notice even if you try to put the doll back perfectly. You know they're all going to be thrown away some day but it's been months. You hate the you that ripped into the side of the bag 2 thursdays ago, how could you be so stupid. You hope your parents will lift it up and maybe by the time they reach the garage they wouldnt have noticed the rip and they'll assume it got caught on something along the way, you dont know what would happen if they knew but you dont want to think about it. There are some things you just arent supposed to think about.

Your dresser still feels bad to be around, the crucifix your parents hung up fell behind it and asking for help would make it feel like it was your fault somehow. You havent had any nightmares of him coming off that cross though, maybe he can stay back there. One less thing for your eyes to wander to in the deafeningly quiet nights, you dont feel much of anything when you look at Jojo Siwa or that dog from paw patrol anymore, just a desire to go downstairs and eat chips. You dont know when exactly the house started feeling so quiet, so judgmental, every adjustment in bed you worry that you'll wake someone sleeping 3 walls away.

Think back to your second apartment, and the argument with your partner, and your reaction to their housewarming present. The way saliva built up in your throat when you threw it away a few days later, you really were close to throwing up werent you? The guilt remains even now. "I should have just kept it, made something of it. An idol, and example, it could never be a show piece but maybe it could have served as a contagion of a better life. That big pink unicorn plush took up almost the entire trash bag, it felt like you were bagging up a piece of foul evidence, something you couldnt bear to come face to face with, lest it kill a part of you.